But this isn’t easy to do when the critical person is
your spouse. In other words, you can’t just stop seeing him/her for the rest of
your life. And in most cases you have to interact with him/her on a daily
basis.
Your partner might be a flat-out bully who says and do
things that make you feel bad, wrong or inept. Or, your spouse might more
subtly pick at you. The criticism may be said in a "sweet" or soft
voice, but the sting still hurts.
When living with a critical or nagging partner, you might frequently feel defensive
and lash back. Or instead, your reaction when you feel attacked could be to
withdraw into yourself.
The
worst type of criticism comes from someone you love and who is supposed to love
you unconditionally. I don’t mind being criticized by my work supervisor, blog
readers, or even my neighbors…but when my husband criticizes me, it stings…
The
problem with being around critical people is that they’re draining; we can only
process so much negative emotion and take so many hits to our self-esteem
before we start to become angry, depressed, anxious, etc.
Critical people are
often not aware that they are being critical, because their criticisms are a
projection of their own issues onto someone else. So, if they’re already
unwilling to engage in self-awareness, chances are you lashing out at them is
not going to change that.
It’s also not helpful to stay silent, she said.
That’s because a critical person may misinterpret your silence as acceptance,
and “criticize even more because they assume they’re being helpful.”
6 Ways to cope with your partner’s
criticizing:
When
you’re reading these tips, remember that your spouse may not intentionally
criticize you – but you hear criticism in everything he says! Sometimes that
happens with me and my husband: I’ll say something that I think is innocent
about, say, what parking space to park the car in…and he’ll take it as a
personal criticism.
1.
Determine whether criticism is intended to be
constructive or destructive
You
can often tell whether a person intends to destroy you with a comment or
intends to just bring about some change Pay attention to the person’s word
choice, emotion, and body language.”
Does your husband call
you names (eg, “you’re lazy”) or comment on your behavior (eg, “when you lie
around all day and don’t help around the house, I feel frustrated”)? Does he
have specific changes she’d like you to make, or does he just generally
criticize everything you do? Is the subject of the criticism something you can
change? Is your husband criticizing you in an attempt to control you, or to make
you feel guilty?
It can be
difficult to take a step back and determine if your husband’s criticisms are
legit or not, but it’s an important distinction to make. If you’re in an
unhealthy marriage, you may need to go beyond coping with criticism to finding
the strength to leave a bad marriage. The best way to cope with a critical
husband may be to leave him.
2.
Your partner needs to
learn how to complain and not criticize!
I hear you asking…is that not the same thing? Doesn’t complaining
still prove they disrespect me? Why must they complain? I’ll tell you why. If
your name doesn’t follow the designation ‘St.’ (for saint), there is NO
possible way you could do everything right in your relationship. Be honest! (If
you still need convincing, check in with me ASAP and I’ll help bring home a few
truths.)
In a relationship, no one person is always right. You are two
different people from two different backgrounds with two different experiences.
The fact that you see things differently proves that what might be considered
right…is totally subjective.
3.
Really listen to what your partner's saying.
What's going to make a positive difference when
dealing with your partner's criticisms is to NOT join in with the negativity!
Soothe yourself so that you don't go along with your mate to a place of
irritation, resentment, and anger.
The calmer and clearer you are, the easier it will
be for you to really listen to your mate.
When you really listen to the need that's being
expressed (and that may be hidden in nagging or criticism), you can speak to
that need and not to the criticism.
For example, your partner might seem to constantly nag you about helping out around the house and says things like, "It's up to
me to keep this place clean because you never help..."
You could really listen to his or her need for not
only a cleaner house, but also help in keeping things picked up and tidy
Your response could be a question like, "In
what specific ways would you like me to help keep the house clean?"
Be willing to really listen to what your partner
says. There might be some truth in the criticism that you don't do your share
in keeping the house clean.
Be responsible for your own habits and make sincere
apologies when appropriate. This can also defuse a criticism and shift you both
toward finding a resolution instead of keeping you stuck in conflict.
4.
Don’t set yourself up to be
criticized
There are several
surefire ways to set yourself up to be criticized: be unprepared, be poorly
organized, put other people down, fail to do what you promise, ignore the
rights of others, always demand your own way, being confrontational in tone or
mannerisms, do sloppy work, disregard what is going on around you, and
disregard the social norms of your environment.
It may seem like those ways to invite criticisms are
work-related, but they apply to your marriage and household life, too! For
instance, if you’re disorganized and unprepared for a family gathering or
important event, then you’re setting yourself up to be criticized by your
spouse. If you continually do things you know will upset or frustrate your husband,
then you’re inviting criticism.
5.
Avoid the urge to counterattack
with a criticism of your own
If your husband
criticizes your friends, don’t counter with a criticism of his friends. If your
husband attacks the way you clean the house, don’t counterattack with a rundown
of how poorly he washes and waxes the car.
Counterattack comes naturally, When the criticizer
offers comments, you return the heat. Instead of falling into the default
attack mode, focus on the issue. Why is your husband criticizing you on this
particular subject, in this particular way? If he’s just a jerk, then it’s time
to start saving money for a divorce.
6.
Ask your husband how he would
handle the situation
In
marriage, it’s important not to just accept that different people do things
differently, but to embrace it.
For instance, if my
husband criticizes how I clean the bathrooms, I might ask how he would do it.
If he criticizes my habit of working on my blogs every second I get, I might
ask how he would spend his free time.
Sometimes it helps to hear your partner’s perspective,
and to accept that they would do it differently. You don’t have to change how
you do things, but if you give your husband the chance to describe the “best”
way, he may back off a little. And perhaps in trying to explain why her way is
“better”, she may realize that it really doesn’t matter how it’s done. For
example, as long as the dishes get done, does it matter how they’re rinsed and
stacked in the dishwasher?
There are many factors that underlie criticism in
marriage; this is a very brief, broad overview of how to cope with a critical
partner.
Source:
Theadventurouswriter
Yourtango
familyshare
No comments:
Post a Comment