Sexual Incompatibility in Marriages

 Sexual incompatibility is the inability of one or both spouses to understand each other sexually, to make some necessary changes, and then work with or adapt to each other’s differences. Sexual incompatibility in desired frequency, variety, and the priority given the intimate relationship are some of the common challenges couples face in marriage.

Aside from the many factors that we already know about what affect sex in a relationship, like work and personal stress, busy schedules, health issues, growing children and so on, there are many couples who are unhappy in their sexual relationships because they're just not sexually compatible with each other and, in many cases, they never were.

 

Funke a 30 year old Fashion designer who is married to Bala a 36 year old Accountant. Funke always complains of lack of sexual satisfaction in their relationship. She complains that her husband hates sex and only have it with her after much arguing and pleading. He just hates sex she said.

On the other hand Mike a 29 year old Teacher who is married to Kemi a 26 year old Nurse said their relationship is having a lot of hitches because his wife does not like the frequency with which he wants sex with her. He said the wife wants it just twice a month and he wants it every other day.

In both cases, the couples thought with time into their marriage the issue of sexual compatibility would solve itself. A lot of couples ignore the warning signs during courtship and put all their energy in getting married.

Sexual incompatibility can take many forms.  It can be as basic as one person really doesn't like sex and the other person does.  Or, one person wants to have sex more often than the other person.  Or, a couple might not be compatible with regard to what they like sexually.  Or, one person might be comfortable being on the "giving" end of sex, but not comfortable "receiving" or vice versa.

After a while, when a couple has downplayed importance of sex in their relationship, one or both of them might begin to feel that they are more like roommates or like siblings. At that point, dissatisfaction with the relationship can set in, and if the couple is not comfortable talking about sex, one of the partners might begin looking around to find someone else who is more sexually exciting to him or her, often leading to infidelity.

Here are some instances where the sexual incompatibility might not be addressed:

1.  Feeling too Ashamed to talk about sex: Often, couples who are dealing with issues of sexual incompatibility have a great deal of difficulty talking about their sexual relationship and what's working and what's not (assuming that they're still having sex). They might feel too ashamed to talk about sex or they worry that talking about it will only make it worse. Often, this shame might be related to childhood experiences where children are taught that sex is shameful, or there were sexual boundary violations (sexual abuse or incest), or other related childhood issues.
2.   Lack of sexual Experience: If one or both couple enter into the relationship with little or no sexual experience, they just might not know what to do to please each other sexually or what might please themselves. Of course, this doesn't have to be a long-term problem if both couple are open and willing to explore. But the sexual incompatibility comes about when one or both couple are not just inexperienced but also closed off to the possibility of sexual exploration within the couple and they don't want to seek help or educate themselves.
3.  Fear of Intimacy: There are couples where one or both of them is only able to have "good sex" when there is no emotional intimacy. They might only find sex as exciting when they're with other people that they don't feel close to, but as soon there is emotional intimacy, they're unable to get excited, which is obviously a problem in a committed relationship.
4.   The hope that the Sexual Incompatibility will Resolve itself without Efforts: The hope is that, somehow, the problem will fix itself without any effort. Then, when it doesn't, usually, both people feel dissatisfied and this dissatisfaction effects the emotional intimacy in the relationship. After that, it's not unusual for the relationship to feel "flat" and boring. And, once again, if the couple is unable to communicate with each other about this, it can lead to infidelity.
5.  Rushing to get Married or enter into a Long Time Relationship: We’ve seen many couples where one or both were anxious to get married or enter into a long-term relationship and this strong desire to be with someone often blinds them to certain basic incompatibilities, including sexual incompatibility. Some end up "settling" for someone who is not suitable for them because they fear that they'll never find anyone and they'll be alone. Often, it's only after they're in a committed relationship that they realize that they're not compatible.

On rare occasion we find a couple happily married without any sex whatsoever, but in most cases, the quality of sex determines the quality of marriage. When a couple's sexual relationship begins to suffer, the marriage is usually suffering. But when a sexual relationship is thriving, the marriage is also thriving