Once in
a while, you may often find yourself lacking self-confidence and filled with
self-doubt. You may feel that your partner will inevitably leave you because
you do not deserve to be loved. You may even stay home instead of venturing out
due to the fear that you have nothing or very little to offer.
Although many
factors cause insecurities, some are more common.
Insecurity is an inner
feeling of being threatened and/or inadequate in some way. We’ve all felt it at
one time or another. But while it’s quite normal to have feelings of self-doubt
once in a while, chronic insecurity can sabotage your success
in life and can be particularly damaging to your intimate relationships.
Chronic insecurity robs you of your peace and prevents you from being able to
engage with your partner in a relaxed and authentic way.
When you start to notice
that sinking feeling of insecurity here are 9 things you can do:
v Stop thinking it is all about
you.
A self-centered worldview will have
you chasing boogeyman where they don’t exist. If your partner doesn’t feel like
going out, don’t assume it is because of you when they just as easily could
have had a really bad day at work that drained their energy. Stop
psycho-analyzing every word choice your partner makes and be more present in the
moment so you can notice the message behind their tone, physical presence, and
posture. Obsessing with hidden meanings is a sure-fire way to miss the point.
Don’t berate your partner for being too quiet, or continuously ask, “What are you thinking?” during
every lapse of conversation. An overwhelming urge to fill every second of
silence with needless words is a habit of an insecure person. Take your
partner’s hand, breathe in, breathe out, and enjoy the silence together. Who
says you can’t enjoy simply being with each other without words?
v Take
stock of your value.
When you feel insecure, you are often
focused on something you feel is lacking about you. In most well-matched
relationships, each partner brings different qualities and strengths that
compliment the other. It is possible to be equals in different ways. In order
to feel more secure in a relationship it helps to know what you have to offer
to the other person. You don’t have to be rich or beautiful to offer something—personality
characteristics are far more important to the overall quality of a
relationship. Think about the traits you have as a person—you may be nice,
trustworthy, funny, kind, or a good communicator. These are traits most
people value in a partner. And think about how you make the other person’s
life better: Do you make them feel loved, supported, and happy? These are
things everyone wants to feel in a relationship, but many often don’t.
Focus on what you offer instead of what you feel you lack; this will
change your perspective. If the other person doesn’t appreciate what you have
to offer, that’s his or her loss.
v Build
your self-esteem.
Research shows that people with more relationship
insecurity tend to have poorer self-esteem. When you aren’t feeling good
about who you are on the inside, it is natural to want to look outside of
yourself for validation. However, trying to feel good by getting approval from
your partner is a losing situation for any relationship. When
your well-being depends on someone else, you give away all of your
power. A healthy partner won’t want to carry this kind of burden and it
can push him or her away. Feeling good about who you are is a win-win for
the relationship. You get to enjoy the sense of well-being that comes with
genuinely liking yourself, and self-confidence is an attractive quality that makes
your partner want to be closer to you.
Building your self-esteem isn't as difficult as it may
seem. Building self-confidence comes with experience, but there are two steps
you can take that will rapidly improve how you feel about
yourself, Learn to silence your inner critic and practice self-compassion,
and retrain yourself to focus on the aspects of yourself you like instead
of the ones you don’t like.
v
Stop feeling
paranoid over nothing.
Let’s face it: we all talk to people of the opposite sex. Just because a
boy and girl (or boy and boy, or girl and girl) are friends doesn’t mean there
is more to the story. Avoid the temptation to snoop your partner’s phone,
Facebook messages, or email account. While this could temporarily calm your
nerves when you see nothing afoul, it is also a behavior that could quickly
become addictive, not to mention damaging for relationship trust when they find
out Big Brother is watching.
v
Keep your independence.
A healthy
relationship is comprised of two healthy people. Becoming overly enmeshed in a
relationship can lead to poor boundaries and a diffuse sense of your own needs.
Maintaining your sense of self-identify and
taking care of your needs for personal well-being are the keys to keeping a
healthy balance in a relationship. When you aren't dependent on
your relationship to fill all of your needs, you feel more secure about
your life. Being an independent person who has things going on outside of the
relationship also makes you a more interesting and attractive partner.
Ways to maintain your independence include: Making time for your own friends,
interests, and hobbies, maintaining financial independence,
and having self-improvement goals that
are separate from your relationship goals. In essence: Don’t forget to do you.
v
Stop seeing things
in black and white.
How do you react when someone blames you for something that you don’t
think is your fault? Survey says: you get defensive. Likewise, confronting your
partner over a problem—no matter how obvious it may be to you—will
most likely cause them to become defensive. This usually leads to a knock-down,
drag-out fight that is the opposite of productive because you’re both too busy
trying to prove you’re right to resolve your conflict. If you have a problem,
don’t immediately point the finger, but instead approach your partner with
compassion and understanding. Be comfortable in the fact that neither of you is
fully “right” or “wrong.” The true answer lies somewhere in the middle.
v
Stop lugging around
all that baggage.
Ever been in a relationship so
terrible that you would love to just wish it all away so you never have to
think about it again? Join the club. You’ll be hard-pressed to find a person
who doesn’t have a bit of baggage because this love thing is an unpredictable
(and sometimes rocky) ride. A little baggage is totally okay, but you need to
lighten your load before jumping into any new relationship. Let go of any
left-over hurtful feelings that might be lingering and realize that your new
relationship is a new opportunity to put all of that behind you. The lovely
thing about life: you can re-start as many times as you need to!
v
Stop
psyching yourself out.
Your thoughts could be your relationship’s best friend or worst
enemy. The quality of your thoughts has a direct effect on the quality of your
relationship. Have you ever found thinking negative thoughts like, “I know they’ll get sick of me someday,” or, “How could
they love me?” These
thoughts have little to do with reality but a lot to do with fear. In
other words, the problem you are concerned with doesn’t exist—you invented it! Any time you find yourself
feeling insecure about your relationship, tell yourself, “The
thing I’m worried about only exists in my head. I have full control.”
v Trust in yourself.
Feeling secure in a relationship depends on trusting the
other person but, more importantly, on learning to trust yourself. Trust yourself to know that no matter
what the other person does, you will take care of you. Trust yourself to know that you won’t ignore
your inner voice when it tells you that something isn’t
right. Trust yourself not to hide your feelings, trust yourself
to make sure your needs are met, and trust yourself that you won’t lose
your sense of self-identity. Trust yourself to know that if the
relationship isn’t working, you will be able to leave and still be a
wholly functioning individual. When you trust yourself, feeling secure is
almost a guarantee. If finding this kind of trust in yourself seems very
difficult on your own, you may wish to work with a professional who can
help you learn how to do this.
It's
important to remember that no one is perfect—we all come with some baggage. But
it isn’t necessary to be perfect in order to be in a happy, healthy, and secure
relationship. When you take your attention off of what other people think and
keep the focus on yourself, you can’t help become a better, more secure version
of yourself.
SOURCES:
Lifehack
Psychology today
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